It started with a slow drip drop of admitting that I was powerless and as hard as I tried I could not stop
That there was someone greater than I that I couldn’t deny who would love me enough to soften the drop
As I made the decision to hand Him the wheel, He would get me back on the straight and narrow
As the acidic rain collided against the windshield he asked me to fearlessly look into my depths and to go deeper than the marrow
A place that he could already see and tell him about my defects and what they meant to me
As the confession rolled from my lips I noticed that car slowed its drift and came to quiet halt
I noticed that this rain was flowing from my eyes and clouded my vision but to my surprise
He asked me to make a list of all in my past and present that I presented with fault
My process for the amends extends far past my friends
And lends itself to deeply rooted issues
Bitterroots had taken hold and grew up to cause trouble
I defiled many in the process
It bore low hanging dark fruit turning those that I held dear into far removed enemies
My fear of how they felt about me overtime moved me far from a place of peace
The bitterness and anger deep within me turned my reflection into a stranger
What’s stranger even still was I built walls to protect myself from the danger
Safely protected within my walls of brokenness and rebellion I could no longer hear their appeals
I could see how my hidden wounds as a child disguised themselves as smiles
So much unresolved hurt planted in fertile dirt grew into oaks of anger
I was headed down an icy relational road through this dense forest of situational memories
Directed toward a terrain transversely descending into a pool of pain
When then came the downpour of more rain
Where I had to dig deep into my past past my place of comfort
And make a list of every person no matter the magnitude to whom I had done something.
Terrifying was the word when I noticed again my car began to swerve as He urged me to let go of the wheel
Start with the present and work backwards with all whom I was the lead actor in the tragedy, as they would describe.
Pages of name filled up my book as i exclaimed this couldn’t be correct and my double take proved me right
There were more than I listed
the names were punctuated with the fear of explaining my sorry and why.
I had no idea how this would happen.
Half of these people wouldn’t save me from the grasp of a lion that they’ve trained to obey there every command.
The other half I couldn’t find or they chose not to be, but to them I wrote letters never to send
I never learned to say I was sorry from my past. Only to deflect and blame.
By apologizing I would be accepting all fault and that would be insane
I would love to tell you the list hasn’t grown but parts of my brokenness remain and surfaces through lacerations unsewn
My pursuit of forgiveness will be a life long quest as I’m not perfect and honestly I don’t always try my best
what I’ve learned through this process I can not give a value
Those who did not accept my apology I still wish the best.
To those who my apology they still yet to see
I offer it now and I hope they accept
I can only ensure that my side of the street is clean.
Do my best to live life according to romans 12:18
as far as it depends on me, I will live at peace with everyone.
I try to apologize with no apology killing words such as if, but, or because
I have learned how to receive forgiveness and give up the grudge because whether giving or receiving we have to be willing to budge
If I can’t receive yours how can I ever receive Gods
If I don’t ill continue to entomb those toxic chemicals in my backyard
Where I might survive the light rains but the downpour will be back
up from within the mud those buried bones will rise up and make their way to the front
On display for all my neighbors to see
Where I’ll have to ask for more forgiveness for poisoning the greener grass on the other side next to me
We forgive to be forgiven
It’s a two-sided one-way street
It’s a muscle that’s painful to grow yet worth every strain
It starts with a statement such as I’m sorry that I caused you pain
The accountability is all mine and to your feelings I was blind
Please forgive me