I’ve cycled through a myriad of revisions
Trying to understand my manhood while avoiding an egoic, soulful collision

I’ve raged with anger and waited for confrontation
Fist clenched
Sweet drenched
Ready to pounce without hesitation
I’ve felt my blood boil as my imagination determined infiltration of my solidified walls
Every muscle tensed as I mounted my defense
Convinced that the attack was imminent and immense
Yet it never came and it made no sense

I’ve been on top of the clouds as I soared
Arms spread
no longer fearing dread
As I stare down at the bodies strewn throughout the trenches
Feeling elated that I made it
Satiated with the memories of the war that raged
Though I was pierced and sliced open as the liquefied confusion bled
The deep gratitude that soaked my face turned to condensation at the elevation
As a man it was rare that I felt safe
In the haven of the skies I could see as far as my vision would allow
There was no blockage
No shore and no waters so no need for dockage
The confused stature of my cheeks as my teeth began to peek
Through the cracked door that stayed sealed tight
But as I soared I felt fear no more

I’ve felt chaotic as I tried to walk a path that was never modeled
Of how to be a man while shoveling emotional dirt into a bucket
Building castles in the sand
They stood firm and I smiled and ran to get someone to see
Joyfully exclaimed “look what I did, all by myself, little ole me”
The response was silent
I stood alone on this beach trying to figure out why the sun burned my feet
When no shoes I was given and sent out into the heat bare
The little boy in my heart was passionate about art
With a full gallery of words that deserved to be heard
Yet felt so unheard
Convinced himself that of the attention he was not deserved
He observed that there were males in the street
Who knew how to eat
No father would not equal no man in me
I chose to follow their path blindly
Yet from a distance

I’ve felt my heart shatter into pieces too small
To sweep under the rug
Yet the shards big enough to pierce the skin beneath my feet
Brought pain to my stride
My gait did divide
Yet my limp I did my best to hide
There was no desire to go on a extroverted excursion to spurt pain publicly
My broken cries felt unclenched and as the gravity was sucked from my soul
My reversed tear flow didn’t seem to make sense to the pinched hole
Where which they originally flowed
Hence, be a man
No weakness you show
Go bury your head in that sand castle and let nobody know

I’ve been a warrior with armor that reflected The Son
Atop my helmet the wind blew through every bristle askew
I’ve worn my breastplate proudly as the enemy encamped around me
Clanging my sword against my shield
Taunting and provoking as I swore never to yield
My belt was laced tight enough to crease the metal
Pushing its way into my skin
Using a worldly technique to fight a spiritual fight I couldn’t see
Left me bloody and bruised
The spikes breaking from the backs my shoes as I try to hold my position
My head telling me to fight while my feet say retreat
As I fell to my knees and lifted my head
The sweat mixed with the blood careened down to the tears
All the while running into the crimson river that flowed from a smile
My chest heaved as I buried my fist into the dirt
I always made my way to my feet
Dusted off the hurt

I’ve walked through valleys of memories with The Lord hand in hand
As He explained to me each one and how they were broken pieces
to a puzzle where the outcome I couldn’t understand
He told me how every patch worked hurt have quilted together to insulate the holes in my soul
How the chunks of flesh torn from my neck
act as gills that give me breath at a depth where most can’t go
How He allowed me to see what I couldn’t take in
Why I couldn’t discern knowledge I hadn’t learned
As I burned through the night and yearned while I tossed and turned
Why my deeply emotional ways have run the timid away
Why instead of a fractured outcome I see a kaleidoscope of possibility through stepped on shades
He told me why I was created this way and why He allowed the world to hurt me and build an unrelenting strengh into my shape
Because people need to know that this world can be cold but within His embrace there is warmth in the shade
Why those that see me will always see His face

After years of trying to understand what it takes to stand up, be strong and be a man
I’ve opened my hands freely to take My Father’s hand
to live my life as a son with no need to understand